Emotions a la Mode

This Summer has been an emotional roller coaster; the highs, the lows and the unexpected outburst. Well we have had a very exciting Summer with a trip to Scotland, many wonderful guests including Mom Mom and Big Pappy, the family from Florida and Mom's friend Ellie. The kids and I went on a wonderful trip to Annapolis where I was able to see three of my very dear friends - Megan, Erin (Tissy) and Emily. It was so wonderful to see my friends, how I wish I could be nearer so we could just grab a cuppa and catch up. We also went to Chicago this past weekend for a short but sweet visit with Tissy. We went to Navy Pier and rode the Ferris wheel; unknowingly, I gained a fear of heights and a weak stomach for things like that over the years.


I also found out that several of my friends are expecting babies and that is always exciting, so gals happy pregnancy, delivery and may your newborn be a good sleeper! I realized the other day that I am one year younger than I thought - I don't know how this happens - when your a kid you know that your 7.5 and 2 days old, but when your an adult you can loose a whole year! So I realized that I am 37 going on 38 in December and well I am still young! You know maybe we should have another. Maybe it won't be so hard the 3rd time around. Maybe the child will be a good sleeper and I won't have to wait till the baby is one for a full nights sleep. Maybe my body can handle it without preeclampsia or my veins bursting open in my legs. Maybe maybe maybe...oh I want a baby again! I am sure the feeling will fade Mom don't worry! LOL!



This feeling is compounded by the choice to wean Logan. This was a process all it's own. you see I wanted to wean him, like his sister, at one year. So I tried giving him milk which then came back up in the stinky mess you could imagine from warm curdled milk - makes my stomach still turn. I finally had his one year checkup and expressed this concern with milk to the doctor. Apparently, Logan has a milk allergy and his eczema on his face was a physical sign of this - who knew. He is now happy as can be, totally weaned and drinking 20 oz. of soy milk a day. This comes with great joy and sadness all at the same time. I have been pregnant or nursing since the end of 2005 less September and October of 2007. So I was kind of over it to be very honest, BUT when you actually stop you do go through this odd withdrawal thing. I gave him the best milk I could and I did it for over a year - I should be proud, but as the milk still leaks I think maybe I should have given him more. The bottle restricts my view of his gorgeous face before his nap or bedtime. Its the little things - he used to rub me, pat me and pull away just to give me a smile. That is all gone. That may be the last I nurse a baby - forever! That is sad to me.



On the other hand I was able to leave for the whole day which prompted the said emotional outburst. My Grandmother (and when I say that word I mean the GRAND part of it) fell and broke her hip, she had to have surgery and is in a very painful stint of rehabilitation. So I have been terribly worried about her. I am a caregiver by nature - I want to take care of people, I want to make them better and I want to make them laugh! Of course I want to be with G'ma but the reality of taking 2 kids to see someone in terrible pain reminds you that you just can not be with her. So anting to be there and not being able to is a very sad thing. Then my Mother was going through some very scary testing which compounded the wanting to be someplace else factor. These women are the rocks of my existence and I want to see that they are well. So finally Fraser and I worked it out that I would go last Saturday to be with my G'ma and my Mother (whose results came back in the best way they could - though she still will have some pain). I got in the car and about 20 miles into my journey I began to cry. At first for my Rocks - the pillars to models of my life and then for me. You - you ask? Yes, selfishly me! I had not been alone for years now. Always caring for a child, no breaks, and never a full day! I cried so hard, it was liberating. I sang in the car as loud as I could and off key too, but I did not care! I smiled as I past people, I laughed at the little boy making faces out his window, I was never in too much of a hurry to be a cordial driver, I cried because I found myself again. I am still Stephanie, yes, I am Stephanie the Mom and wife, but I am also Stephanie the silly gal that my husband fell in love with, the dancer, the girl who always wanted to look just so, the energetic person with a jest for life, always a smile, always a hug - that's me. In those 7 hours I drove that day I released myself again. I will always be a Mom (and I might add I am pretty damn good at it), but am also STEPHANIE! Don't loose yourself in your kids - be you, be silly, laugh at yourself, smile at someone, call your friends (or Skype), really make your husband remember why he loves you and lastly take pride in YOU not just your family! Well I gotta go now - I'm going to put on some make up today!