Uggghhhh...I am feeling quite stressed, agitated, tired, confused and depressed! This entry may be more for me than for you. I just need to get my thoughts out of my head - hopefully that will clear some of the tension I am holding which I am sure is not helping the NO baby situation.
Stressed: It seems like the more days that go by the more everyone is asking me when this baby is going to come - answer: I don't know! What is taking so long - answer: I don't know. Why hasn't it arrived yet - answer: I DON'T KNOW! If I knew these answers I would be GOD and if I were God I would know that making this poor girl wait like this is doing her head in, so I guess it is Mother Nature's fault. She is just toying with me, giving me contractions all night and then come morning settling right in for a good laugh as she stops the show all together that Mean Nasty Wench!
Agitated: It seems like no matter what anyone says or does it just isn't the right thing. Everyone is trying to hard, but really there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will make this any easier. I just want to hold my baby! I just want this whole thing to be over and to move on to the next thing.
Tired: Yes, I am so incredibly tired. Luckily, Fraser's parents are here and are taking the brunt of the load of caring for Vivian. Hiking her in and out of cars, chasing her when she wants to see something in the other direction and taking her on little day outings to give me a break. With that said, I am still not sleeping well at night that damn Mother Nature keeps teasing me and making me think, ahhh...this is the night. Timing contractions and not sleeping is sort of my normal routine. Also, you must remember, though this is my 2nd child, it is a whole new game for me. Am I having contractions or is it just Braxton Hicks? Is this how it feels or that? Should you feel nauseated, have to go to the bathroom a lot, feel thirsty, are the contractions high on the tummy or low??? It seems like every woman has a different experience and so what may have happened to them, might not be the same for me. So I just sit and wait with baggy black eyes and tired achy body!
Confused: I know my body can do this...a "natural" birth. You know verses the slice your gut and yank the baby out birth I had last time. Now I sound like I am bitter and I really am not. I know that under the circumstances of my last pregnancy the best thing for mine and Vivian's health was a c-section. Ok, but now I am healthy...no preeclampsia. The baby is in the right position...not Transverse Lie (meaning her shoulder or arm was first or she way sideways)breech. So if everything is OK with us, what is the deal with this baby not coming. I mean my Mom delivered 3 babies, my grandmothers delivered babies, my Aunts, my cousins, my friends. Why is it that my healthy strong body won't do this? I deserve this experience, you know like all the Mothers before me. Some people think I am crazy wanting a vaginal birth and they have their right to an opinion, but there is something about the experience, the longing to be like the other Mom's I know, the connection with my husband as we work together to deliver our baby, the empowering feeling of accomplishment - YES, I did it. I pushed that baby out. When your younger and as many of us girls do, we dream about being married and having babies. It never crosses your mind that you will have a c-section, you always think about the vaginal birth experience. I want that experience, I want to feel like a woman - hear me roar, I want to cry when they lay the baby on me instead of having to break my neck to see a glimpse of the baby across the room, I want this Lord - please allow me to have this encounter.
Depressed: I am beginning to feel a bit blue. I just feel like I am under so much pressure. Granted, I am adding most of the pressure to myself. The Kirkpatrick's are here as I said, so I feel like I have to get them their grandbaby so they can spend some time with the baby. I feel like everyone is waiting for MY performance and I am not delivering. I feel like I am letting everyone down on a daily basis. I feel like I am failing! I am sad. I know I shouldn't be and everyone keeps saying, "it doesn't matter how this baby enters the world and on what day, it is still your child and it will be great. " YES...I do know that! I know that!!! I just have spent nearly 20 years dreaming of a specific event and to never have that will be a loss. I know some of you may not get that. It is like a death in a way. A death of a dream. I will be better with it now because we pushed the c-section back to the last possible date that my Dr. felt safe with. For my safety and the babies safety I will have a c-section on the 7th if my body does not go into labor on its own. Originally it was supposed to be the 29th of July, but that made me feel crazy because the baby and I were fine. Why have major surgery when we are both doing well? Give my body a chance I said and so we are. That said it does not make it easier to wait, but it is what I want, just a chance! This brings me back to the incredible guilt that comes with the Kirkpatrick's only seeing their grandchild for 2 and 1/2 days before they go home. They have assured me that they are just happy they will see the baby, but I am putting this undue pressure of myself. It is a vicious cycle isn't it; feel bad, make changes, feel better, think, feel bad again.
So I am trying to wrap my arms around having a second c-section and being OK with that. I do feel SO much better about it now that we are sort of exhausting all other options first and just waiting for Mother Nature to quite her nonsense and just let me have this baby already. I have vented here a lot, but I want you all to know that below all these sort of dark feelings are still VERY strong feelings of joy, happiness and excitement. I am just ready to be a Mommy again. I just want that baby in my arms. I want to see Fraser's eyes swell with the pride of becoming a Daddy again. I want my parents and his parents to cuddle up to their newest grandchild. I am just ready. Under all this messy stuff is still all the great things that I have always felt before. The love for this child is already so strong. I am just a tiny (rather sarcastic eh) bit anxious now!
All my love to you and please keep us in your prayers!
Stephanie
