To post or to not post????



Four generations



 

What to do when it's been so long between posts? You take a deep breath and begin to type, knowing that no one really cares about your posts anyway. Blogging is really for yourself, to get your thoughts out of your head, to maybe have 1 person say you made me laugh or think or cry, to let people know how your feeling without having to say it out loud as sometimes this is nearly impossible - as is the content of today's post. I know a most exceptional woman, one they write books about and have TV specials about their life with some famous person pretending to be that special someone, but this lady has had neither a book or a movie, but I guarantee it would be a brilliant one. She is a bright example of what a Wife, Mother, and Friend should be, I know because this exceptional woman is my very own Grandmother - Pauline Vivian Rimstidt. This is the very woman that my daughter was named after. She has fed the hungry, paid for water heaters and furnaces for people, given people loans, helped people learn to read, bought fancy shoes for little girls whose parents could not afford such things, and there is no telling how many secrets she will take with her to her grave. When she meets her Savior he will open his arms and say "Well done my good and faithful servant, well done!!!" She is under Hospice care right now and our family mourns. We are already grieving for a heart that still beats. What a curious thing to do? We are so riddled with sadness that it is even hard to see the life we still have within us. We have reminders of the beauty that's around us, in a neighbor, a friend, and the children. My children have seen me cry for my Grandmother - I am certainly not as strong around them as I'd wish, but they both rose to the occasion to both melt my heart and make me laugh. I cry and sweet sweet Vivian says "Mommy do you need a cuddle?" Yes I do! and Logan says, "mommy do you need a hug (he hugs and then says) all better huh?!?" It is cute that a 4 year old knows when you need a cuddle and a 2 year old thinks a hug makes everything better! Well honey almost - you did make me smile! Grandma will soon meet her maker and in my opinion God took some extra time making her - she is so special in so many ways - way better than myself though I strive to be more like her with each day! I can see my Grandpa pacing the gates to see his wife of 70 years! Their love was magic, everyone who knew them knew how in love they were and how amazing their bond was! He'll say hi girlkid and she'll say Paul! I pray for her to have a peaceful exit from this life to her next life. I pray for her last breath to be taken with her hand in one of her sons or her daughter-in-laws, maybe not so much for her, but for us the family. Knowing that she is not alone and held securely in a loved ones hand makes me feel more comfortable with her leaving. Taking her last travel. If you are not a believer and your reading this, I respect that and hope that your will pray YOUR prayer for my family and think warm thoughts of my grandmother - she is worth the energy trust me! If you knew my Grandma, your life has been blessed and if not you'll just have to have faith in the words I say - she is magnificent. I love and will miss you so much Grandma! The tears streaming, my heart aching, but I want you to cross to the other side of the river Grandma - it's your time to go...I love you! 

Your loving granddaughter,

Stephanie Rimstidt Kirkpatrick

Coming and Going

Vivian's first trip to the dentist - she said "When do we get to come back?"

Our trip to see Great Grandma Pauline - You can tell someone LOVES his Great G'ma!

Vivian's Christmas Program at her School - they all did a wonderful job!

Logan got to meet Mrs. Claus - he wanted nothing to do with Santa!

As the end of the year approaches and all the hope that Christmas promises, we have to make time to be thankful for all our many blessings this year. What a wonderful year we have had and oh how busy we have been. We are leaving shortly - 2 hours for Florida (in a Ford Focus). Oh yes, we are driving. Now we are hoping that leaving at night makes it easier for the children at least that is the goal - if it is not - we're just all going to be miserable! We did buy a DVD player to occupy the children. When I was a kid I remember playing all sorts of silly games to keep us occupied and well mostly I slept...curious! Well now kids have it made - maybe that is why people aren't as creative as they used to be - we're all plugged in couch potatoes that can't stand silence. I suppose I should speak for myself. I play the TV nearly all day - not for the children but for myself. I get lonely, I can't stand the silence and I just need some noise. We also play the radio a lot which ALWAYS ends in a dance session. We move the table out of the kitchen and then we have the whole room and Vivian has noticed that at night time she can see her reflection on the sliding glass door - something I used to do to practice my ballet ALL the time. One of Logan's first words was dance and he is quite good for such a little guy. Vivian puts on shows for me and wears all kinds of costumes - sometimes we have to do quick changes in the middle of a show - it cracks me up. I always wondered how I just grew to love dance so much, but after watching my children I now believe you are just born with.

We have been so busy with trips this year: Annapolis - MD, Chicago - IL, Palm Coast - FL, Rockport - IN, Grafton - OH, Scotland - UK, and I feel like I am forgetting a dozen more trips. We've had loads of people visit which is always so exciting. Funny how sometimes you think life gets boring and then you review your year and think how did we pack all that in a year? I am hopeful to having another year packed full of fun - my kids sure make my life a joy and my husband keeps me laughing. I am so blessed and I wish you all a blessed New Year!

Merry Christmas!

News and Stuff

So when I write news I think everyone thinks we're having another baby, which is not the case...breath! BUT I am having my veins fixed in my legs - can I get an AMEN! Come on ladies...AMEN! Oh the pain in my legs will be gone and the embarassment factor will be a thing of the past (you know like glow in the dark braceletts and pegging your jeans)! Ahhh...speaking of the late 80's...I am having my 20 year high school reunion next year - that is so wild to me. I mean I know I am getting older, but NOT THAT OLD! Wow! Oh the big hair days - just think how much time we wasted making our hair stand 4 fingers high from our scalp. If we would have known those photos would make everyone laugh someday would we have still done it?!? On other big news (no Mom I am Not having a baby) I made an apple crisp. Yes, for all of you baking type Moms your thinking that is the easiest thing in the world to make and I know that now, but I looked at them with thier crumbly top and yummy gooiness and thought I could never make anything that good. Ah hah - I was ever so wrong, but who knew it took sooo many darn apples! LOL. I am a decent cook - I make a nice meal for my family every night, but you know how things start to feel like they just repeat, like groundhog day over and over - well here is a new place to find some yummy recipes www.thecooksnextdoor.wordpress.com
Hope you like it, it seems like it will be a real help and right now they are having a giveaway, we all like FREE stuff!
Kids - Well Vivian is such a joy and just comes away with the best things. Tonight for her bedtime prayer she said God bless all the children of the world and give them all jammies to wear - wouldn't that be nice! Logan has found his screaming voice and learned that he can climb which means he climbs on every bit of furniture we own and then screams when I take him down. He is the most cuddly little baby I have ever known! They are sweet with eachother every now and again - oh how I love those times!
Fraser - his hours are better at work and he has been home most nights, but tonight is a late one. He will be tired when he comes home. He is meant to come home early tomorrow since he has put in so many hours - we'll see how that goes. He has been doing reformers and of course is in perfect shape, I am so lucky! Too bad he has to look at cottage cheese legs...lol! I am the one that carried two babies right?!?
Me - well I am going insane, tired of looking at these tired old saggy legs so I am getting a workout program that is called of all things - Insanity. I wish I could tell you more about it, but apparently you do this workout and eat certain foods and by the end of it you have a 6 pack! Ha ha...well that is what happened with all the people on the infomercial. I would be happy with small curd cottage cheese - hahaaaaaaa!

Time for bed -
God bless all the children of the world and may they all have jammies!

Emotions a la Mode

This Summer has been an emotional roller coaster; the highs, the lows and the unexpected outburst. Well we have had a very exciting Summer with a trip to Scotland, many wonderful guests including Mom Mom and Big Pappy, the family from Florida and Mom's friend Ellie. The kids and I went on a wonderful trip to Annapolis where I was able to see three of my very dear friends - Megan, Erin (Tissy) and Emily. It was so wonderful to see my friends, how I wish I could be nearer so we could just grab a cuppa and catch up. We also went to Chicago this past weekend for a short but sweet visit with Tissy. We went to Navy Pier and rode the Ferris wheel; unknowingly, I gained a fear of heights and a weak stomach for things like that over the years.


I also found out that several of my friends are expecting babies and that is always exciting, so gals happy pregnancy, delivery and may your newborn be a good sleeper! I realized the other day that I am one year younger than I thought - I don't know how this happens - when your a kid you know that your 7.5 and 2 days old, but when your an adult you can loose a whole year! So I realized that I am 37 going on 38 in December and well I am still young! You know maybe we should have another. Maybe it won't be so hard the 3rd time around. Maybe the child will be a good sleeper and I won't have to wait till the baby is one for a full nights sleep. Maybe my body can handle it without preeclampsia or my veins bursting open in my legs. Maybe maybe maybe...oh I want a baby again! I am sure the feeling will fade Mom don't worry! LOL!



This feeling is compounded by the choice to wean Logan. This was a process all it's own. you see I wanted to wean him, like his sister, at one year. So I tried giving him milk which then came back up in the stinky mess you could imagine from warm curdled milk - makes my stomach still turn. I finally had his one year checkup and expressed this concern with milk to the doctor. Apparently, Logan has a milk allergy and his eczema on his face was a physical sign of this - who knew. He is now happy as can be, totally weaned and drinking 20 oz. of soy milk a day. This comes with great joy and sadness all at the same time. I have been pregnant or nursing since the end of 2005 less September and October of 2007. So I was kind of over it to be very honest, BUT when you actually stop you do go through this odd withdrawal thing. I gave him the best milk I could and I did it for over a year - I should be proud, but as the milk still leaks I think maybe I should have given him more. The bottle restricts my view of his gorgeous face before his nap or bedtime. Its the little things - he used to rub me, pat me and pull away just to give me a smile. That is all gone. That may be the last I nurse a baby - forever! That is sad to me.



On the other hand I was able to leave for the whole day which prompted the said emotional outburst. My Grandmother (and when I say that word I mean the GRAND part of it) fell and broke her hip, she had to have surgery and is in a very painful stint of rehabilitation. So I have been terribly worried about her. I am a caregiver by nature - I want to take care of people, I want to make them better and I want to make them laugh! Of course I want to be with G'ma but the reality of taking 2 kids to see someone in terrible pain reminds you that you just can not be with her. So anting to be there and not being able to is a very sad thing. Then my Mother was going through some very scary testing which compounded the wanting to be someplace else factor. These women are the rocks of my existence and I want to see that they are well. So finally Fraser and I worked it out that I would go last Saturday to be with my G'ma and my Mother (whose results came back in the best way they could - though she still will have some pain). I got in the car and about 20 miles into my journey I began to cry. At first for my Rocks - the pillars to models of my life and then for me. You - you ask? Yes, selfishly me! I had not been alone for years now. Always caring for a child, no breaks, and never a full day! I cried so hard, it was liberating. I sang in the car as loud as I could and off key too, but I did not care! I smiled as I past people, I laughed at the little boy making faces out his window, I was never in too much of a hurry to be a cordial driver, I cried because I found myself again. I am still Stephanie, yes, I am Stephanie the Mom and wife, but I am also Stephanie the silly gal that my husband fell in love with, the dancer, the girl who always wanted to look just so, the energetic person with a jest for life, always a smile, always a hug - that's me. In those 7 hours I drove that day I released myself again. I will always be a Mom (and I might add I am pretty damn good at it), but am also STEPHANIE! Don't loose yourself in your kids - be you, be silly, laugh at yourself, smile at someone, call your friends (or Skype), really make your husband remember why he loves you and lastly take pride in YOU not just your family! Well I gotta go now - I'm going to put on some make up today!

Hair, boobs and skin oh my...

Yes, I said it. Hair, Boobs and Skin Oh My. Seriously, why doesn't anyone tell you about the "side effects" of breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong it is still a WONDERFUL experience, but it would have been nice to know that my hair would begin to fall out, break and go REALLY grey because of it. Also, uhhhh the girls are going through a lot these days - I mean stretched, pulled, punched, compressed and the breastfeed smell. Those mommies that have experienced it know what I mean - it is the sort of off milk smell with sweat combined. I guess it is hormonal, but geez, I already feel like the girls are not part of my female body anymore and now the smell makes me wish at times they were not! The skin problems are crazy. Combination skin my behind - this is like freeze dried in some areas and pools of olive oil in others. AND I even have the dreaded eyebrow zit that will NOT go away. Like a volcano hiding, just waiting for the right moment to explode - bubbling over. YUCK!

The kids posing!

Fraser racing and winning a mountain bike race. Unreal and not really very good for my mental health...haha. I mean here I am with puke on my shoulder day in and out and here he is no training and wins this race. My fat is sagging and hanging from places it really should not and here comes Mr. Fit with his rock hard legs and bottom (oh yea I can say butt here). Anyway, I really am quite proud of my hubby. It does does make me ever so slightly sick that he's so perfectly in shape and my body looks like it has been food processed. Well enough drama I suppose...later friends!

The Arrival!

Well after many tears, a lot of stress and worry and my hormone levels at peak proportions - we FINALLY had our perfect little bundle! This is how it went...

The days kept clicking by and I began to realize that this VBAC was just not happening. Two weeks past the first scheduled cesarean and I was beginning to look like a blimp. I have to say we gave it our all and I do feel so much better for that, but it just was not happening the old fashioned way! That is not to say that good ole Mother Nature wasn't still playing her tricks on me with the contractions here and there and the getting ready to go to the hospital in the middle of the night only to shower and feel totally fine again. Oh I walked, I nearly ran, I ate spicy food, drank raspberry tea, I even soaked my feet in warm water. I tried EVERYTHING, but it just was not happening. So the 6th of August came around and I knew it was going to be another c-section. So on the 7th, Fraser and I headed to the hospital. We arrived at 8AM and things began to happen so quickly. People coming and going, poking needles in, taking blood, sign here, empty your bladder, put this on - take that off, wash your face and by the way, you are having contractions you know! Figures...damn you Mother Nature...you pretty much suck! LOL! Just kidding, it was actually funny at that point. Mine and Fraser's parents arrived. They were ready to take us early, 9:30AM. Everyone guesses how much the baby will weigh - my Dr. said 8 lbs. 6 oz., nurses say 7 lbs. something and I say 9 lbs. They all laugh at me. So Fraser suits up - surgical mask and all and off I go to get prepped. I felt like I was at home in some respects, you see I had nearly the exact same team from my first section. Same Dr., same nurse, Dr's assistant, same baby Dr...it was VERY comforting. God finds ways to make things OK. I was nervous, but not as much. I had a qualified team who delivered my gorgeous baby girl and now that same team for my 2nd child. They bring Fraser in; I am already in the crucifix position (arms strapped down), oxygen on and numb from my breasts down. Then they start and everyone is just having like water cooler chat, we're all joking and talking like this was just a simple broken arms or something. Things got quiet though when they are ready to remove the baby. He says ok now some tugging and I know that means I will be jerked around so that did not freak me out as much as it did last time. The anaesthesiologist took a photo of the head out and showed me - totally fascinating! Then Dr. Teter says ok we're going to take the baby out now, you'll feel "the fall". Ok well the fall with Vivian was like dropping a pebble and this was like an avalanche! I felt like my whole body just fell through the operating table. It scared me a lot and Fraser just held on to me and told me it was ok and that the baby was out...then they say it's a BOY! A boy! I just could not believe I had a boy! I saw him and heard him for the first time. He was gorgeous, Perfect and had a good set of lungs on him! What a miracle! All the other stuff meant absolutely NOTHING now! I have a healthy baby boy! They had to put me back together again and it took much longer this time because...(get this)...I actually got a miniature tummy tuck. Well not really, but they do take away the old incision so that is like a what 1/4 in. tummy tuck in my mind! Ha ha!

Arthur Logan Kirkpatrick

9lbs. 4 oz., looks like Mommy was right eh!

21 1/2 in.

Ten beautiful finger and ten sweet lil' toes

They were doing all the tests of our son Logan and we had to look from afar. I got really upset because he was crying and all the dr's had their backs turned doing paperwork, I was crying and begging someone to be with him and finally the anaesthesiologist went over and rubbed his wee feet! My boy! I have a boy! It still fills my eyes with tears. They reunited us as a family and gave Logan to Fraser and we just cried and cried. I finally got to hold him as they wheeled me away. It took forever to get me stable enough to have the grandparents in, my temp had dropped considerably and they had to wrap me in the odd heated air blanket thing. Anyway, they finally all came in and I was holding Logan and said..."It's a boy!" and well you can see their reaction above! Pure joy from everyone. Even Vivian was excited to meet him. Advice: don't marry the idea of a certain type of birth. At the end of the day...you were all right...I have my healthy baby boy and life is so GOOD! I love this wee guy, he is such a sweet baby, he smells just like Fraser and he is ALL mine! God is good!

OVERDUE AND OVER DONE!

Uggghhhh...I am feeling quite stressed, agitated, tired, confused and depressed! This entry may be more for me than for you. I just need to get my thoughts out of my head - hopefully that will clear some of the tension I am holding which I am sure is not helping the NO baby situation.

Stressed: It seems like the more days that go by the more everyone is asking me when this baby is going to come - answer: I don't know! What is taking so long - answer: I don't know. Why hasn't it arrived yet - answer: I DON'T KNOW! If I knew these answers I would be GOD and if I were God I would know that making this poor girl wait like this is doing her head in, so I guess it is Mother Nature's fault. She is just toying with me, giving me contractions all night and then come morning settling right in for a good laugh as she stops the show all together that Mean Nasty Wench!

Agitated: It seems like no matter what anyone says or does it just isn't the right thing. Everyone is trying to hard, but really there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will make this any easier. I just want to hold my baby! I just want this whole thing to be over and to move on to the next thing.

Tired: Yes, I am so incredibly tired. Luckily, Fraser's parents are here and are taking the brunt of the load of caring for Vivian. Hiking her in and out of cars, chasing her when she wants to see something in the other direction and taking her on little day outings to give me a break. With that said, I am still not sleeping well at night that damn Mother Nature keeps teasing me and making me think, ahhh...this is the night. Timing contractions and not sleeping is sort of my normal routine. Also, you must remember, though this is my 2nd child, it is a whole new game for me. Am I having contractions or is it just Braxton Hicks? Is this how it feels or that? Should you feel nauseated, have to go to the bathroom a lot, feel thirsty, are the contractions high on the tummy or low??? It seems like every woman has a different experience and so what may have happened to them, might not be the same for me. So I just sit and wait with baggy black eyes and tired achy body!

Confused: I know my body can do this...a "natural" birth. You know verses the slice your gut and yank the baby out birth I had last time. Now I sound like I am bitter and I really am not. I know that under the circumstances of my last pregnancy the best thing for mine and Vivian's health was a c-section. Ok, but now I am healthy...no preeclampsia. The baby is in the right position...not Transverse Lie (meaning her shoulder or arm was first or she way sideways)breech. So if everything is OK with us, what is the deal with this baby not coming. I mean my Mom delivered 3 babies, my grandmothers delivered babies, my Aunts, my cousins, my friends. Why is it that my healthy strong body won't do this? I deserve this experience, you know like all the Mothers before me. Some people think I am crazy wanting a vaginal birth and they have their right to an opinion, but there is something about the experience, the longing to be like the other Mom's I know, the connection with my husband as we work together to deliver our baby, the empowering feeling of accomplishment - YES, I did it. I pushed that baby out. When your younger and as many of us girls do, we dream about being married and having babies. It never crosses your mind that you will have a c-section, you always think about the vaginal birth experience. I want that experience, I want to feel like a woman - hear me roar, I want to cry when they lay the baby on me instead of having to break my neck to see a glimpse of the baby across the room, I want this Lord - please allow me to have this encounter.

Depressed: I am beginning to feel a bit blue. I just feel like I am under so much pressure. Granted, I am adding most of the pressure to myself. The Kirkpatrick's are here as I said, so I feel like I have to get them their grandbaby so they can spend some time with the baby. I feel like everyone is waiting for MY performance and I am not delivering. I feel like I am letting everyone down on a daily basis. I feel like I am failing! I am sad. I know I shouldn't be and everyone keeps saying, "it doesn't matter how this baby enters the world and on what day, it is still your child and it will be great. " YES...I do know that! I know that!!! I just have spent nearly 20 years dreaming of a specific event and to never have that will be a loss. I know some of you may not get that. It is like a death in a way. A death of a dream. I will be better with it now because we pushed the c-section back to the last possible date that my Dr. felt safe with. For my safety and the babies safety I will have a c-section on the 7th if my body does not go into labor on its own. Originally it was supposed to be the 29th of July, but that made me feel crazy because the baby and I were fine. Why have major surgery when we are both doing well? Give my body a chance I said and so we are. That said it does not make it easier to wait, but it is what I want, just a chance! This brings me back to the incredible guilt that comes with the Kirkpatrick's only seeing their grandchild for 2 and 1/2 days before they go home. They have assured me that they are just happy they will see the baby, but I am putting this undue pressure of myself. It is a vicious cycle isn't it; feel bad, make changes, feel better, think, feel bad again.

So I am trying to wrap my arms around having a second c-section and being OK with that. I do feel SO much better about it now that we are sort of exhausting all other options first and just waiting for Mother Nature to quite her nonsense and just let me have this baby already. I have vented here a lot, but I want you all to know that below all these sort of dark feelings are still VERY strong feelings of joy, happiness and excitement. I am just ready to be a Mommy again. I just want that baby in my arms. I want to see Fraser's eyes swell with the pride of becoming a Daddy again. I want my parents and his parents to cuddle up to their newest grandchild. I am just ready. Under all this messy stuff is still all the great things that I have always felt before. The love for this child is already so strong. I am just a tiny (rather sarcastic eh) bit anxious now!

All my love to you and please keep us in your prayers!
Stephanie

How far along am I?

Oh yea, 37 weeks or carrying a 6 pound melon that just happens to be about 18 inches long. Funny how babycenter.com always gives an edible visual to demonstrate the babies growth. I think I will just refer to our baby as our baby now. Strange how your body grows this little poppy seed and works all these weeks to build a large melon, but its beginning to get me down thinking of my precious wee lamb as a melon!
Hmmm...what shall I talk about this time. Well I will tell you that having a baby whose head is down is MUCH different than carrying a baby breech position. I had a friend that was pregnant when I was the first time around and I will tell you that I know she must have cursed me repeatedly. I was so energetic and happy, I seriously did not change one single thing in my life until they put me on bed rest. I never felt the baby's head pushing so hard on my pubic bones that you swear it is going to just fall out. I never felt like I had to walk with my feet several feet apart or waddle so much that you feel like a brisk wind could knock you right over. I never felt the low back pain. I never felt the baby's head turn from side to side - now that feels a bit gross I will admit! Anyway, she handled all this in stride I must admit, but I never knew what she was going through until now. All you other women that carried your babies full term in proper position, a huge pat on your back. I never realized how much easier it was to carry a breech baby. Now that said, I had to have a c-section because of that and the preeclampsia, but the whole pregnancy thing - yea new ballgame! So I do waddle, I feel like I am carrying a bowling ball between my legs, I feel like I need to strap a catchers mitt to my uh hum and my tailbone at this point could just be removed for all I care! All that said, I am enjoying my pregnancy, I am just marveling at the differences! The other thing I need to be frank about. The pee test. OK so you have to "give a sample" every time you go to the doctor. Give a sample means peeing in a little plastic cup. No trouble at the beginning of pregnancy when you have total knowledge of where everything is placed AND you can see down there to...well, direct if you will. But you see, everything shifts a bit when your pregnant and what was once there is now not or has moved to a new place for all I know, anyway, it's different than it used to be. That and you can't see down there, so inevitably you (you know where I am going) pee on your hand. You can't see to direct, hell you can't see down there when your standing let alone when your sitting. Your once fully filled plastic cup is replaced with a cup that has a trace of liquid and a fully drenched hand. Ok ok, it happens. BUT I will say it makes it a bit harder when you have a very inquisitive toddler in the bathroom too - who looks at your trace of urine and says she wants a drink. You with pee hand and still trying to hover over the toilet because of germs, have to redirect your child verbally, quickly wipe the hand, place the cup high enough so thirsty child does not drink it, put clothes over VERY large belly, flush and try to open the door without using said pee hand, while holding "sample" and placing into proper location for someone to test for sugar and protein levels! Ughhh! So seriously keep this in mind when your at the OBGYN and wash hands with warm water - haha...you never know, the lady before you could have thirsty twins!
What else? The baby LOVES my right side and just likes to bunch all up and hang out over there. It is funny to look at as the left side goes nearly flat and the right is as hard as a rock. It is not as funny to feel, but the baby seems to enjoy it so hey who am I to try to change its mind! Soon we'll know if its a boy or a girl. I have been dreaming these odd dreams and wonder if they are some sort of sign. The first one was me counting 23 blue rubber duckies. That was the whole dream, once I got to 23 I woke up. The other one I have nearly every night. I dream that I am flicking through the calendar and the 23rd of each month is bold. My dreams are always blue, even if it has nothing to do with a baby: blue sidewalks, blue water, blue rooms and floors, just blue. So I keep thinking I am having a boy on the 23rd, I guess we'll all just have to wait and see. I think my Mom for a while was convinced that I knew what we were having and I swear I don't, though I DID try to convince the doctor that it would be our secret if he told me and he wouldn't. Love that guy, he knows deep down I want the surprise. Did I tell you about Dr. Teter, he is awesome! I really trust him and that is a great feeling when it comes to the birth of your child! He and the pediatrician are top notch guys! We're very blessed to have such competent people in our lives!
So I had better get off to bed, sleep is hard to come by these days as it is becoming more and more difficult to find a comfortable position. I know I sound like I am complaining and maybe I am a wee bit, but I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE my wonderful husband and gorgeous daughter and I LOVE my little melon too! I am getting so excited to see, hug, hold, kiss this little one...not too much longer!

Love to you all!

PS - leave a comment. Mom you can just leave an anonymous comment and sign it Mom if you want. You don't need to sign up or anything. :) Thought that might help ya!

The 32 week jicama

Well here's to falling behind yet again and what the hell is a jicama? I see it has been 10 weeks since I last posted, shame on me. Everyone has been asking for the next blog and I have been meaning to, but as we all know a toddler doesn't understand Mommy time or wait just minute while I write this entry! So here we are 10:30 at night and I am getting this thing done or will fall to sleep trying! The first two photos are just images I LOVE! The next two are images from Scotland. I think they are super sweet and hope all of you like them as well. Our trip to Scotland was so wonderful. Fraser and his brother Greg met their goal of cycling the West Highland Way without too many hitches - a few punctures, exhaustion, a sore knee, an overdose on ibuprofen, a sour tummy, but two happy brothers! I rested and rested and rested...it was fantastic! (Thanks again Mum!) I think all that resting really helped me as I have felt like a new woman since I came home. I have really (and finally) embraced the whole pregnancy experience and am, loving it once again. It is hard to go from such a beautiful first pregnancy to a much more difficult second as you assume everything will be the same and when its not you feel like there is something wrong...with the baby. This of course does not help the pregnancy or your emotions, you can really work yourself into some amount of stress. Even while I was in Scotland I had a day when I was feeling like something was wrong. I haven't felt that way since we've been home and I am that same ole happy pregnant gal I was with my first pregnancy! We went to visit my folks too which was such a wonderful time. Viv and I went for the week and saw many friends and JP's family which was great fun and Fraser came in for the weekend to spend some time with my folks and his friends. My Dad cooked for us every morning, my Mom every evening, I went out with some friends, Fraser and I even got to go to the movies. It is so awesome to see your parents with your child. I mean the amount of love that shines through gives you a glimpse at how loved you were as a kid...man was I LOVED. My Mom has never ending energy with Vivian and plays just the way she used to with me. Oh I have such great childhood memories of her playing for hours with me, we sure did have fun. Remember the little tiny chairs with he little tiny tea set? ;) We went to visit the Dayton, Ohio family on our journey home and it was great to see everyone! The photo below is from Memorial Day Weekend, May 25th.
I feel like my tummy is not growing at the same pace it was earlier in my pregnancy, however, I still am MUCH larger than I was with Vivian. I am now officially doing the pregnancy waddle with my 27 lb weight gain, but I do feel like this comes with some benefits. I have not had to open a door in weeks. I have been helped into my car by WOMAN no less, had my groceries loaded into the car repeatedly, was taken home from the car repair shop in less than 5 minutes, you would not believe the kindness that comes from strangers when they feel like you may explode at any moment! Ha ha! This also comes with random people coming up to you asking when your due or how much longer...I'm gonna kill the guy who asked if I was having twins. When I was pregnant with Vivian some man came up to me and was touching my tummy. Now that guy almost got maced, but I let him go after he explained with tears in his eyes that his wife had a baby 3 weeks prior. I actually like it when people I know touch my belly, people just get excited about babies and I love that my friends and family are as elated as we are. Fraser is going through his little spell of Super Active Man! He did this before Viv was born, he knows his freedom will be nearly halted (as will mine) and feels the desire to be active, to be a tough and rugged guy. You know like go camping in the rain, built mountain bike trails and drink beer with strangers, cycle to work (yep Mum he's at it again) and many other things. He seems to switch in an instant; one week he's home every night for dinner, the next he comes in at 7PM or later. I am trying to be understanding, but as a pregnant gal I have needs too. Like I need to have a tiny break from taking care of Viv all day, I need to converse with an adult, I need to be close to my husband. It takes a few weeks but it irons itself out! He is such an amazing father and so hands on. I appreciate him so much. Fraser is the kind of father that his father and my father can be proud of and they are both pretty great Dad's too!

Let's see if there is any interesting pregnancy things I should tell my girlfriends about? At 32 weeks you get out of breath just getting out of bed. You are tired, takes lots of iron and calcium at this stage of pregnancy - you need the iron to keep you from dropping over and the baby needs the extra calcium as his/her bones are beginning to harden. The baby plays the "ribjo" with great precision. That is the bottom of your ribcage that the baby just LOVES to kick! When/if your abs separate it looks like a peak from bottom of ribcage to a few inches below your belly button its called diastasis recti. I'll just say stool softeners - enough said! (Sorry bros.) You can't eat as much, but you want too! Your love for your baby grows leaps and bounds everyday, you emotions are heightened about your marriage and your husband and your appreciation for your parents has no limit! You feel blessed, in love all over again and graced with wonderful family. Oh life is good these days gals! (Cue cheesy seventies music!)

Well I love you all!

Good night,
Stephanie

The 22 week spaghetti squash

This was me at 26 weeks pregnant with Vivian. Wow, I was so much smaller than I am now. Everyone always says that every pregnancy is different and they weren't kidding. I mean EVERYTHING is different this time, from the morning sickness, to my energy level, the pelvic area pressure, my bum leg and varicose veins to the swell underneath the skin of my belly. It is all still this amazing beautiful process, but so different. In fact, it was so different that in the beginning of the pregnancy I was sure there was something wrong. I should have saved myself the worry and listened to the Mother's who told me...every pregnancy is different. Well now that I am a veteran at this, I can say I totally agree. The baby is doing really well though measuring big which may be why my pelvic floor feels like it is between my knees...haha! Fraser is still cycling and got new cycling shoes this weekend. He acts like a 10 year old when he gets something new for his sport. He has been wearing the new shoes since he arrived home with them, actually taking his jeans off without taking the shoes off last night before bed. He cracks me up, what a wonderful way to be, I wish we all could have that childlike nature. Vivian is such a chatterbox, always having something to say and thank goodness we hear a yea every so often because the continuous "No's" were beginning to wear my nerves thin. She picked up from someone saying Oh My God and I was thinking this could be VERY bad if she were stating this over and over again, it was bound to have been spoken or screamed at church or in front of a minister one of these days...so...I decided that I would find something close to what she was saying and see if it would divert her attention from her new found favorite saying. So every time she would say it, I would say Almighty God. She did pick that up and Fraser and I would joke and say Amen Hallelujah and now she says that too...so be careful what you say around this mocking bird.
I loved my hair in this photo too, I decided that because my hair grows so fast during pregnancy and I just lost my Auntie M to cancer that I would not cut it and donate my hair to Locks of Love after I have this baby. Hopefully it will be long enough.

the 18 week bell pepper

These photos were taken on mine and Vivian's trip to Florida visiting my brother and his family and my snowbird parents. I arrived penicillin in hand with a severe case of bronchitis (which I'll have you know my daughter can say clear as day). The sunshine and good company quickly made me feel better and soon I was in much better health. My folks are staying very near my brother and watching their grandchildren (Nicole and Erica) several times a week which is about the closest to heaven either one of them can be...any time with a grand baby is precious! The girls got along pretty well with the exception of Vivian wanting to push the little one, Erica, around and cuddle with her all at the same time. By the way, sharing is a learned behavior just in case you did not know! I love being with my family and really miss all of them so very much. My parents, bless their hearts, would barely let me lift a finger so I was Queen Bee for a little while. This of course was not a learned behavior - I think I possessed this status as soon as my Mommy and Daddy held me...I know lucky girl eh!?! The baby started to kick and punch a lot towards the end of our visit and that is always reassuring. So we had a wonderful time, taking in the sun at both Cresent and Flagler Beaches, sightseeing in St. Augustine, going to tea with my Mom and my sister-in-law Gerry, and just in general visiting and enjoying one another. Our next big trip is our Scotland trip 11 April.
The other big news is we had our big ultrasound today, 2D and 3D. It was awesome seeing the baby wiggle around. You would not believe some of the positions this child got into, the best of which was when Baby K #2 had its hands over its head and was grabbing its toes. I even have a picture of that to prove it. I was certain I saw well uhh ummm, let's just say I thought it was a boy for SURE and then we got a printout and then I thought I had to be wrong. So I suppose we'll all find out come end of July/early August. My due date has been changed to August 1 and the baby is measuring big, in fact, most babies at 18 weeks are between 5 1/2 to 7 oz. and this baby is already 11 oz. I have gained a total of 9 lbs. and after all I ate in Florida, I am thrilled with this new weigh in. I cried at seeing our baby up on the screen, what a wonderful blessing! What a wonderful gift I have been given, building a baby within my body! Vivian was saying my baby and baby out, she even offered the baby (or my tummy) a yogurt raisin - now that is cute!
Fraser enjoyed a weekend in Cleveland cycling with his buddy Alan at Ray's indoor mountain bike park. He has still been training and is beating his record with each passing week. He also managed to paint and prepare Viv's toddler room and steam clean the downstairs carpets. He is such a hard worker and a huge help to me though I am sure he is happy that I am handling much more these days.
Vivian is so happy and such a sweet child, always free with her smiles and hugs. She is VERY attached to me which at times can be very trying, you know when you want to make dinner or uh hum use the bathroom. Anyway, she will start school in June and I do feel that will be such a blessing. She only has me most of the time and it will be good for her to play with other kids her age. It will be one day a week and she will love it I am sure. I will miss her and probably cry my eyes out when she cries because she doesn't want to leave school! You know it will happen!
Hope all is well with you. Leave a comment by clicking the comment button below.

All my love!

the 16 week Avocado

So this is how it is every night: Vivian pulls my shirt up and points to my belly saying baby and Fraser and I giggle as she then pulls up her shirt to point and say baby. She usually follows this episode with the following statement, "Baby out!" Too funny. It is safe to assume we are all excited about this new addition to our family. The big news this end is NO nausea! Oh what a relief. I am feeling so much better, have some energy back and have been told I have the "pregnancy glow". This is a true thing by the way, the reason you have a "glow" about you is all the extra blood running through your veins. I have gained 5 pounds thus far and the girls at the doctors office had a bit of a celebration that I had gained any weight at all. I had lost so much in the beginning we were all wondering if I would ever get some weight on this baby...it is certain that this baby (meaning me) has some fat now. The thing that is so wild about your changing body is your lumbar curve almost goes away completely, giving your baby as much room as possible. I really do have this fascination about all these little miracles within this great big huge miracle all happening within my body. I am not sure how a woman can go through a pregnancy and not believe in miracles as just a simple detail like your spine straightening, your organs shifting to make room for your baby or your increased blood flow is enough to ponder for years. It just happens, no computers telling it what to do, no manual shifting necessary, no machines pumping blood, just your body figuring it all out on its own. Our bodies are so amazing! Speaking of blood flow, this tiny baby only 4 1/2 inches long and just over 3 oz. is pumping 25 quarts of blood around its body. The baby is the size of a large avocado people and its pumping 100 cups of blood each day. That is so incredible! Fraser is enjoying this newly found energy as well, I am making his nightly dinners again and the way to this mans heart is definatly through his tummy! I think that is why he fell in love with me to be honest...THANK GOD I AM A GOOD COOK! Tonight we had citrus chicken over couscous and glazed baby carrots with red grapes...yummy if I do say so myself. Fraser is hard at work and has still been training on his bike. Two nights this week he cycled 35 miles in one hour...or 35mph, hello that is on a bike in the garage when it is something like 25 degrees outside. He amazes me really, I mean who has that much discipline? He and Vivian have become quite good pals and before bed she always reaches to him and says "cuddle". She is so affectionate, in fact, today at the Children's Museum she was asking complete strangers and thier children for a hug or a cuddle. What a precious girl she is. She really does make my life so much fun, it makes you wonder how I ever thought I was busy before. Now, well now I know what busy is - just watch her for an hour and you'll see what I'm talking about. Phew....

Our lives will be quite exciting these next few months as we have lots of traveling and guests visiting. Next week we (Vivian and I) leave for a trip to Florida, we're visiting Grandparents Rimstidt and Uncle David/Aunt Gerry and thier girls Nicole and Erica. I am looking very forward to it, funny as if you would have asked me 2 weeks ago I would have said otherwise - not because I don't want to see my family, but the traveling and everything is different when you feel sick! Everything! Hopefully the weather will be nice and Viv can run on the beach again - she loves the sand. We then will have some visitors, Emily and Pete from San Francisco, Megan and Andrea from D.C. and Erin (Tissy) from Chicago. Then the we will all pack up and head to visit Grandparents Kirkpatrick and Uncle Greg and the rest if the Kirkpatrick Clan in Scotland. Fraser and Greg will do thier epic male bonding super cycle with staffed support crew (uh yeah that would be Dad) and Mum and I will try to relax, but remember who will be with us - wild gal Viv. Great anticipation for all our guests and travels. Lots of love to you all,

Stephanie

And the ladies have finally arrived...

And by the ladies I mean the girls! Oh yes, one of the best parts of pregnancy for me. You see, well um, I am one of the less fortunate girls with small boobs (and after breastfeeding Vivian - basically nonexistant boobs). I thought I was being robbed out of the veloptuious rack this time around since really that was the first thing to change my first pregnancy, but whatever order it comes is fine with me, I just enjoy having them. I remember when they got so large my first pregnancy that they actually touched...I mean skin to skin. Now this to some of you is a regular occurrance, but to gals like me who's boobs prefer opposite ends of the spectrum, well it is a bit of a shock. I actually jumped up out of my chair at work thinking a bug had gone down my shirt...I am not kidding here I swear! AND they move when I walk. I've got jiggle now haha...and I like it! I actaully told Fraser I was just going to pump for the rest of my life so I can keep them...ha ha! So anyway the nausea is subsiding and the boobs have arrived, life is good. By the way, I decided this was more of a Mommy thing, not really a log for Baby K #2, I will book journal like I did with Vivian - you know so the poor child does not have to someday read about my boob obsession. As you can see from the first picture, I am starting to show a lot more. I love the way a pregnant body looks, even if it is mine that is transforming. It is such a natural and beautiful thing. Your body changes so much during pregnancy, not just on the outside. Your organs actually shift and move to make room for your growing child. It is really fascinating and such a miracle. Loving your body at the end of pregnancy is a whole other thing, but this time, your 2nd trimester, is so wonderfully exciting. At the end you just feel a bit uncomfortable, like a pumpkin on ice skates carrying 6 milkshakes on a tray that holds 4. Even though your body goes through this huge transformation you ARE still gorgeous, to the one that choose you to be his wife, to the ones who love you and sometimes to other women like me who just marvel in the blessings that we women get to share. We certainly have to endure a lot, but we get to experience this most prescious gift - Life! I feel the baby move about once or twice a day, it still feels like an eyelash kiss and usually happens when I am curled up on the couch with nausea or when I am in bed reading a page or two of The Great Gatsby ( I don't know if I will ever finish it at this pace). Fraser is still being a huge support. Tonight I was doing the washing up after dinner (it has been many weeks since I have done this) and Fraser kept insisting I sit down. I said take advantage of it while you can since we never know when I will be well or not in the evening. Then I smelled the broiling pan from the sirloin we had for dinner...ughhh straight to the couch! Fraser is such a wonderful Father and husband, I mean every girl should be this lucky! He has been training for our trip to Scotland, you see he and his brother will cycle the West Highland Way. It is 90 miles which may not seem so tough until you realize it is through the mountains and the weather will most likely be cold/rainy/misty/grey. Let's hope they have great weather and don't injure themselves. We head to Scotland in April and I am NOT looking forward to the journey as I will be 5+ months pregnant, but I am REALLY looking forward to seeing everyone. Vivian is her normal mischievious self. She likes to be the center of attention and if she is sensing that our attention may be toward one another or on something else she fake cries! I say fake because if we laugh she starts busting out with her very own belly laugh and throws her head back for added drama! When we go out she says hello to EVERYONE. Sometimes Fraser and I have to meet at the Studio where I teach Pilates to change hands and she goes around to all the clients talking her jibberish and making everyone smile, she is a charmer. She is learning her colors and numbers and keeps us laughing all the time. Baby K#2 is about the size of a lemon, according to babycenter.com. The babies face muscles are beginning to need a workout, so the baby squints, grimaces, frowns and is learning how to express him or her self. They say the baby may be grasping for things and sucking his/her thumb. Funny to think this little lemon is doing all that. I mean a lemon, come on! So it seems like the tunnel of nausea is coming close to an end and the baby is growing like crazy, my husband is awesome and my little Vivian is my dreams come to life...oh and the girls have arrived...isn't life grand!!!

Nausea Sickness

Here I am at the 12 week mark, you know the time when everyone says the nausea will end. The magic moment when all is good in the pregnancy, you feel more energetic, less nauseas and you begin to have that pregnancy glow. Uh hummm....well my baby and my body don't seem to realize that we have met our 12 week point now and its time to move on to the fa la laa laaa fun pregnancy bit. Really I should not complain because the ALL day nausea is now gone...phew. Now I just have low level nausea during the day (sometimes not at all) and then get hit hard in the evenings. And I mean REALLY hard. Most nights I just curl up on the couch, not enough energy to even get my buns up the stairs to my bed. I have tried the craziest things to help subside the nausea. So for future reference to those of you wanting to have a family, let me tell you the things I tried. Everyone is different of course and what worked for me may make you run to the "Living Room" (remember this is the bathroom for you non-preggers gals, but it begins to feel like the living room after a few weeks of nausea - trust me)! So I tried saltine crackers and that made it worse. Halls Citrus cough drops worked one night and made me terribly sick the next - so sick I could not try it again. Bomb Pop Popsicles - these actually would give me about 5 minutes of relief and when your sick every minute of everyday - 5 minutes is 5 minutes. Ravioli was the only thing I could keep down or think of eating in the beginning - sick I know. Citrus (oranges) - uh not for me. I tried everything - oh lemonade/Koolaid - that actually worked. I know why as well. You see when your first pregnant your hormones double EACH day making you feel unwell! This in turn lowers your blood sugar and that makes you feel even more nauseated, so you see why sugary drinks and Popsicles would make you feel a little better. It is just your body becoming acclimated to being pregnant. Because I lost 6 pounds in the first month of pregnancy (I pretty much ate nothing), my doctor was less than happy with me at the next appointment when I still had not gained weight. He called in a prescription for me, Ondansetron - generic for Zofran which is what they give patients undergoing chemotherapy. So again these crazy nightmares and thoughts of me taking this medication and causing severe damage to my baby kept them on the shelf in our linen closet. I mean do I really want to take the chance of causing damage to my unborn babies heart or something. I kept seeing those class actions suits on the TV saying if you took such and such while you were pregnant and your baby has severe respiratory problems call this law firm. So I sucked it up - like all the other women before me. I still haven't gained weight yet and have been told I had better start eating lots of chocolate or something as I had one month to gain a few pounds and then I would HAVE to take the medicine. OK OK...I'll force down some chocolate cake if I have too, but it will have to be in the morning as that is the only time I feel good! Ha ha! So since the subject of the post is about being sick I thought I would brighten it up with a few photos of our little Vivian and a creative beach photo from our trip to Florida for Christmas. The snow photo was taken just a few days before we left, I do feel like the sun did help my nausea a little bit. I will also tell you a sweet story. When Vivian went with me to the doctor they did a quick ultrasound to find the babies heartbeat. Viv was on the lower part of my ribcage because she never wants anything to pass her by - she is quite inquisitive. As soon as the image of the baby came up she said baby. When given the little print out, she pointed and said picture. She kisses my belly all the time saying baby. It is kind of wild as we never really talked about it being a baby and so forth - I guess it is obvious she is a genius. Ha ha! Well, I love you all and I do see light at the end of the tunnel - I just wish I could drive a bit faster! ;)

The Baby BUMP

So this post will include a bunch of my thoughts over the last month since our computer has not been very nice to us lately - shame on you you now so essential piece of rubbish! We love em, but we hate em too! So we'll start by saying our little bundle is as active as can be. I got a glimpse of lil' tadpole on the ultrasound machine the other day and that child does not sit still. In fact, the Dr. could not find a heartbeat which was not fun, but once we saw the cartwheel and the flip we were both relieved! I really am not kidding when I say cartwheel and flip - this baby is a pro at the water ballet I tell ya! So our baby is about 3 inches long can you imagine? I am really excited to see the little baby bump. It just makes you finally feel pregnant, that and the little flutter movements you feel. Most women don't feel the baby move until about 18 weeks, but no not me man - I felt our little one move last week. I told a friend it feels like the tickle in your tummy when you finally have the first kiss with a man you really love or like an eyelash kiss, however one might explain it - it is AWESOME! It changes to more of a jab and then a punch - ughfff, but all the movements are really cool! So if your wondering what the second photo is, please let me explain. So if you wanna keep your super cute and tight jeans for a little while longer, but don't want the uncomfortable feeling when you sit down, use the hair band trick. You loop the button then string the other side through the hole and back over the button (this trick is also good if you have eaten too much or you are just feeling bloated). The second thing that is on my list of "things to write about in blog after computer is fixed" - which it is still not, but works a little bit is the c-section itch. Now this means two things, it really means that the scar from my c-section is really itching and if you are not aware this scar is uh hum well quite low on your abdomen. So I look like a crazy woman and catch myself every so often scrubbing that spot with my nails - like a dog with a flea might I add. Oh my gosh - how embarrassing. So if you catch me please know this is like no other itch I have had before and well please forgive me! The other meaning of the c-section itch is that I have a chance to do a VBAC - Vaginal Birth After Cesarean. My doctor says I am a good candidate since I work out and healed well. The only small detail that is blocking my sleep at night and causing sweaty nightmares is their is a small percentage of women whose uterus explodes. Yes, that was what he told me. So now I wake in the middle of the night wet with perspiration with images of a blood splattered surgery room filling my brain. So in my mind I think, well you know c-section. You know what to expect, you know how long recovery is, you know when to start walking and when to start back to regular daily activities. Plus you get great pain meds and with a VBAC - yeah sister your on your own, I guess they give you an ice pack and call it a day! So the c-section seems to maybe fit...or does it. I want so badly to look at Fraser and say it's time. I want him to hold my hand on the drive to the hospital telling me to breath. I want the experience you see on TV and that your Mother had and her Mother and all the Mother's before her! I want Fraser to see how much a woman goes through - I mean a c-section is no walk in the park, but I handled it well and I think Fraser thinks its just all that easy ya know! So I guess we'll wait a bit longer to make this decision, but if these nightmares don't stop along with the midnight (and 3AM and 6AM) bathroom trips I fear I will not have a full nights sleep until I turn 40. Oh and speaking of age, my last thing to cover in this entry is "Advanced Maternal Age". Uhhh...are they serious? Yes, this is my diagnosis which puts me on a higher alert. It also gives me another ultrasound which means I get to see Baby K#2 do another performance - sweet! It also means - sequential screening. They screen for birth defects which I guess immediately after you turn 35 you have this enormously heightened (being sarcastic) risk of having a child with birth defects. No really your levels are slightly increased and they do a few extra tests on you. The great news is that I don't have to do the quad screen which last time was positive for Down's and we had to endure 2 weeks of hell waiting for the more advanced test. This time we skip right to the more advanced testing. We do a Nuchel (which I am spelling incorrectly I am sure) Thickness test. This measures the skin on the back of the babies neck which is a marker for a chromosome abnormality. This test is cross referenced with a very detailed blood test and lastly I get to have a high resolution ultrasound. So hopefully we won't have any false positives this time around. One good thing about being "Advanced Maternal Age" better tests, they don't mess around with us old folks! Until next time...mua!

The amazing BabyK #2

I think I may have already used this photo, but you seriously do not want to see what I look like on a regular basis right now. I brushed my teeth today and that is an accomplishment since shoving a long slender brush in your mouth with the non stop nausea is uh hum well really unpleasant! So instead of focusing on me, let us talk about BabyK #2. A must for expecting mothers is to get onto the BabyCenter website and sign up for weekly baby updates. It is unreal how fast your little tadpole becomes a baby with a beating heart and ears and a pancreas! The following is some news from my 7 week update. The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo (or tadpole as I like to refer) and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of its tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Our baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry. If you could see inside your womb (which I know may gross some of you out), you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering the peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of its nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of our baby's brain is growing, and the liver is churning out red blood cells until bone marrow forms and takes over this role. The baby also has an appendix and a pancreas (see I told you pancreas), which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. So you see, we really have a baby in there! It is unreal to think that this little tiny "poppy seed" at 5 weeks is now "a blueberry" and has hands and feet. I know I am pregnant and hormonal, but this work, this the work of your body is truly a miracle. I mean a miracle. You know and have witnessed other women who have carried babies, but until you carry one yourself, you don't know the magnitude of this gift. Even with severe morning sickness, I can sit back and think that I am so blessed and so incredibly lucky to be able to go down this road once again. God has given us this second child and I (we) will do everything in our power to care for it - even while in womb. I will keep this environment that my baby calls home in tip top shop. OK...dry my eyes and move on I know! So I will tell you that the nausea has not let up a bit and probably is a bit worse. Sometimes I can't even talk as I fear moving or talking may send me to the living room (or the bathroom to those of you that are not pregnant). I can eat a bit and have managed to pick up a few pounds that I lost. I told one of my Pilates clients that I lost 5 pounds and she was MAD! She said that is so not fair! Trust me, I would rather not be in this situation. This makes me have a better understanding of what my Sister-In-Law went through - bless your soul Gerry. I understand now, thought I did before, but did not have a clue...NOW I get it...in a VERY big way! Love you all!

My Name is RALLLFFFF...

OK...so if you have not read my last entry you must immediately STOP and scroll down to the last post. It is a must for you to understanding this my new name Ralllffff. Seriously...I'll wait right here!

So your back and you now are up to date with the news. Ahhh...another baby! How sweet, how precious, how am I ever going to get through this photo (see above) with the fire burning holes in my back, Vivian kicking and grunting all the while trying to suppress the bodily function that accompanies pregnancy - Ralllffff! Yes, I already feel sick, like you went out the night before and partied til the sun came up, went to breakfast with your friends and forgot to take Tylenol and drink water before bed. That kind of fuzz in your mouth, nausea that lasts ALL day kind of feeling. By all means I am not complaining (well too much) as I am as happy as can be and am so thankful I feel sick. I know that sounds weird, but this way you know your body is still doing what it needs to be doing to keep your little tadpole safe. The reason you feel sick is with every passing day - I kid you not - your hormone levels nearly double. So you think you act a bit nutty when you have a period, think about doubling your hormones everyday. And men wonder why we might be a bit testy. Hell yeah our insides are going crazy and we still have to cook dinner when the smell of chicken makes you want to pray to the porcelain GOD....AAAMennnn! So my Mother is reading this thinking oh honey, I want you to be that happy pregnant girl you were last time, and I still am. I am just being honest with my girls. You know telling you like it really is all the while enjoying it in this very peculiar way. Liking to be sick, a novelty to most of you, but to the Mommy's out there, you understand. Sick, but happy! Scared, but optimistic! Worried, but assured! Terrified...well just terrified really! So I have made the decision that I am going to be that happy pregnant girl again. I really feel like you have to almost verbalize that to yourself. I am going to be happy and upbeat even though at times I feel very tired and sick. Once you tell yourself that you are not going to make crazy outbursts of emotional slashing to your husband then you have to follow through. I had an episode during the last pregnancy that opened my eyes to the unleashing of hormones! I turned into a demon - Fraser was actually scared of me and with due right! I was a beast from a dirty swamp who rose up to tongue slash my loving husband into submission and apology for something he did not do or need to apologize for. I later swore I would never reveal the beast again. It actually scared me too, I could not control myself, I mean at all. If fire and smoke would have come out of my mouth I would not have been surprised. I just kept firing at the poor unsuspecting soul! So I then told myself I will stop, take a breath and think if I am really angry or if my hormones are just ticking me off. Most of the time, in fact, maybe every time, I could say my hormones were wanting to attack my husband or the person at the check-out for taking too long or the solicitor on the phone. You get the point. Take a minute, access the issue and decipher your feeling verses the ugly hormones and usually you can just laugh at yourself for almost getting angry with your husband for putting the spoon in the wrong place! So I guess this nausea is going to be here for a while and I guess I will need to just barrel through the next 6 to eight weeks and hope that the feeling goes away as I enter into my Second Trimester. Let us Pray...AAAmen!

But wait there's more...

As of Thanksgiving morning, we found out we are adding to our family. What a great day for us and what a wonderful blessing. We are so grateful for our lives, our health and our family and friends. We are so grateful for the opportunity to go down this road again and to raise another child. We are so thankful and both so SCARED! I am so happy don't get me wrong, but our lives are again about to change in enormous ways. I mean just when I get the hang of things now we've gone and added this ultimate change. Wow...are we crazy? Well yes, I think you have to be a bit crazy to have children to begin with. What a huge amount of pressure you put on yourself to be the best parent to make the right decisions you know decisions that will form the foundation of your childs future!!!! Yes, you have to be a bit of a loon to be up for that. It is such a magical experience which is what brings us like others back to this point. Yes, we are going to become parents again and yes I am so happy I can barely contain myself. I have told far too many people this early in the game and am terrified I set myself up for disappointment. We'll have to trust that my body will remember and will provide a nice safe home for our baby. Which by the way at 4 weeks is now the size of a poppy seed. A poppy seed and this week the baby is growing many of its vital organ. Man these little guys don't waste time. So I have to wait until Jan. 11th to see the Dr. for the first time. It is not like the olden days when you call doc and say I think I am pregnant and go in to confirm. I call to say I think I am pregnant which is funny in itself since I took THREE pregnancy tests (yes 3 - never can be too sure) and they say OK the Dr. will see you in Jan. after he can hear the heartbeat. Ohhh the heartbeat, I remember how cool that was with Vivian's pregnancy. No better sound on earth than the fast beat of your baby growing inside of you. Now don't get me wrong there are times you feel like you have this alien trapped inside your skin, but for the most part it is the most wonderful thing you will ever go through. So for now, I will just be growing a baby - how cool is that!!!